With the 2024 presidential election campaign already underway, we Americans are hearing an endless string of claims and counterclaims from Republicans and Democrats accusing each other of being stingy conservatives or free-spending liberals.
Exaggeration is often the weapon of choice in political speechmaking so I’ve devised my own list of 10 somewhat silly reasons why the federal government should be sending me a larger retirement check each month.
In alphabetical order, I offer specific circumstances which should qualify me for more money. Please understand I’m not demeaning those folks who have real issues and need help with their daily lives.
My sole intent is to poke fun at those politicians who tell half-truths or outright lies about what the other party or candidate stands for or against.
My inspiration for this piece was based on what my grandfather told me years ago about his personal finances. He said he didn’t know he was poor until the government told him.
Here’s my list:
DISABLED – I have a total knee replacement and a stiff hip joint that force me to use a cane sometimes and always display a handicapped parking sticker in my vehicles.
FIXED INCOME – I know exactly each month how much to expect from my three pensions and a part-time consulting gig.
ORPHAN – Both of my parents are gone. Technically, I’ve been an orphan since Mom died in 1986.
RETIREE – My kids like to say I’ve flunked retirement three times.
SENIOR CITIZEN – I am 81 and have a fuzzy birth certificate and a fake driver’s license from college as proof.
SINGLE PARENT – My sweet wife died in 2022 and left me with eight kids, 18 grandkids and no rules for operating the Bank of Dad, formerly the Bank of Mom and Dad.
SINGLE GRANDPARENT – Without doubt, this is my toughest challenge and best hope for the future.
UNEMPLOYED – There is much to like about staying up late and sleeping in.
VETERAN – I already get a modest pension for 22 years of part-time military service and I’m proud as hell to be a Soldier for Life.
WIDOWER – Not even the government has enough money to compensate anyone for the loss of a loving spouse of 51 years. (Contact Keith at keithkappes@gmail.com.)
