By Martha Fernandez, LCSW
This page has carried two columns lately about our boys and young men. Tommy Druen asked whether we are leaving our boys behind. Robert Dean wrote that we need to have a talk with our sons. Both are right, and I want to add one more conversation to the list: the one with the grown men in our lives.
According to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, the suicide rate among American men in 2023 was nearly four times the rate among women. Behind that number are husbands, fathers, brothers and the man who runs the shop down the road. Many of them never told anyone they were struggling.
Men who carry a family, a crew or a business tend to carry strain the way they carry everything else: quietly, and alone. A man whose customers and neighbors all know his truck does a kind of math before he asks for help. Who will see me walk in? What will people say? Will it cost me work?
In my years as a licensed clinical social worker, I have seen that same math in people from very different walks of life. A CEREVITY white paper, “The Confidentiality Premium: Why Successful People Pay Out of Pocket for Mental Health,” describes the pattern plainly. When people feel their standing is at stake, they weigh what help might cost them, and they put it off, sometimes for years.
So what can a family do? Start by knowing what strain looks like in a man, because it often does not look like sadness. It can look like a shorter temper, more drinking, working later, sleeping poorly or not at all. It can look like pulling away from friends, church or the things he used to enjoy. Some signs call for action the same day: talk of being a burden, saying the family would be better off without him, or giving away things that matter to him.
You do not need perfect words. Pick a quiet moment. For many men, side by side works better than face to face: in the truck, on the porch, or while working on something together. Say what you have noticed and why it matters to you. “You haven’t seemed like yourself lately, and I’m worried about you.” Then listen, and resist the urge to fix it right away.
If you are worried about suicide, ask him directly: “Are you thinking about killing yourself?” It is one of the hardest questions a person can ask. Asking will not put the idea in his head. It tells him he can tell you the truth.
It also helps to know that getting help can be private. Anyone can call or text 988, the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, any hour of the day, and veterans can press 1 to reach the Veterans Crisis Line. A family doctor is a good first stop, too. Many counselors now meet by phone or video, so nobody has to see his truck in a parking lot.
We are right to talk with our sons. But boys learn what a man is by watching the men around them. When a father admits he is struggling, gets help and gets better, he gives his son permission to do the same someday. That may be the most important talk of all.
If you or someone you love is in crisis, call or text 988 now.
Martha Fernandez, LCSW, is a licensed clinical social worker, co-founder of CEREVITY and author of Wired to Burn: A Therapist’s Guide for High Achievers Running on Fumes (2026). She lives in Lakewood, California. Lea
